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Essay: WHITNEY GAO
It is October 9, and a multitude of high school students have gathered at the test center for a morning of standardized testing. This morning, we are all faceless little numbers. This morning, I am registration number *******7. It is very nice to meet you.
Three hours later, it is time to commence a mass exodus. A sea of bodies floods the halls before bursting through the floodgates, eventually separating and becoming individual trickles. As we all return to our various corners of Little Rock, we finally lose the anonymous masks and become individuals. I am no longer just a number; I am now me.
I am a sister. I am a daughter.
I am an under-the-covers reader of fashion magazines. I am absolutely obsessed with math and science. I am the girl whose laugh you hear all the way down the hallway.
I am a figure skater whose favorite spin is a layback. The ice rink is my escape, and the Diamond Edge Figure Skating Club is a second family. I am a pianist whose favorite piece is Edvard Grieg’s Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16. My thirteen-year-long love affair with music has led me to much happiness and accomplishment, and I hope it continues for all of my life. Endless hours devoted to these activities have taught me skills necessary for the future, including self-discipline and perseverance.
I am an ardent volunteer in my community, and I have the privilege of serving as the president of the largest Junior Civitan club in the world. The people I have met and the experiences I have had have left lasting impacts on me and given me memories and lessons that I will carry forever. Being a Civitan, while allowing me to participate in something that I love, has taught me the gift of appreciation. In one particular experience, I was especially struck with the amount of good fortune I possess. While working with the Salvation Army during their Christmas Angel Tree program, I met a mother whose family had become homeless very recently after a fire burned their house to the ground. The past few days had been an unimaginable struggle for hope. At the end of her story, her eyes were not the only ones filled with tears. Her unceasing thanks over just a few clothes and toys for her children brought my world into perspective for me. Since then, I have become the most avid promoter of community service because I believe that it is unquestionably essential to give back to the community in which you have thrived.
Numbers will always follow me. About two weeks later, I would be 2400. In the spring, a smattering of 5s would label me as well. But at the end of the day, the numbers and academics all fall away, and I am just me. The only number that remains is 1; there is only one me.
I am Whitney, and it is very nice to meet you.
REVIEW
This essay creates an image of a well-rounded girl; disciplined and dedicated, passionate about her extracurriculars, and academically excellent. She writes in smooth prose and demonstrates that she has put thought into who she is while drafting this personal statement.
But Whitney falls short in her attempt to escape anonymity and to stand out of the crowd of “faceless little numbers.” This personal statement reads like an enumeration of accomplishments with little or no analysis. Whitney writes that math and science are her obsession, but she does not sound truly passionate and academically motivated; she writes she is an accomplished pianist, but she does not explain how playing makes her so happy. While it is clear that the applicant has numerous talents, the superficiality with which these talents are treated makes this essay overall unimpressive.
Although she does not wish to be defined by numbers, Whitney hints at her perfect SAT and AP scores, which not only contradicts her stated purpose but is also inappropriate, as those numbers are already well in evidence in other parts of the college application. The one passage where simple listing turns into a more complex analysis of the applicant’s extracurricular involvement is the description of her service at the Junior Civitan club. Had the experience at the Christmas Angel Tree program taken an even more central stage, Whitney would have been more successful in leaving the sphere of anonymity. Similarly, a deeper analysis of the “self-discipline” and “perseverance” that ice-skating and music taught her would have given the reader a better insight into the applicant’s personality.
Whitney has put together all the pieces of a successful college application essay, but fell into a common trap—she tried to explain all the great things about herself, and while attempting to do that failed to stand out. If she focused on one of these many accomplishments, Whitney would have gone from a good and ultimately successful essay to a truly great one.
—Francesca Annicchiarico
Three hours later, it is time to commence a mass exodus. A sea of bodies floods the halls before bursting through the floodgates, eventually separating and becoming individual trickles. As we all return to our various corners of Little Rock, we finally lose the anonymous masks and become individuals. I am no longer just a number; I am now me.
I am a sister. I am a daughter.
I am an under-the-covers reader of fashion magazines. I am absolutely obsessed with math and science. I am the girl whose laugh you hear all the way down the hallway.
I am a figure skater whose favorite spin is a layback. The ice rink is my escape, and the Diamond Edge Figure Skating Club is a second family. I am a pianist whose favorite piece is Edvard Grieg’s Piano Concerto in A Minor, Op. 16. My thirteen-year-long love affair with music has led me to much happiness and accomplishment, and I hope it continues for all of my life. Endless hours devoted to these activities have taught me skills necessary for the future, including self-discipline and perseverance.
I am an ardent volunteer in my community, and I have the privilege of serving as the president of the largest Junior Civitan club in the world. The people I have met and the experiences I have had have left lasting impacts on me and given me memories and lessons that I will carry forever. Being a Civitan, while allowing me to participate in something that I love, has taught me the gift of appreciation. In one particular experience, I was especially struck with the amount of good fortune I possess. While working with the Salvation Army during their Christmas Angel Tree program, I met a mother whose family had become homeless very recently after a fire burned their house to the ground. The past few days had been an unimaginable struggle for hope. At the end of her story, her eyes were not the only ones filled with tears. Her unceasing thanks over just a few clothes and toys for her children brought my world into perspective for me. Since then, I have become the most avid promoter of community service because I believe that it is unquestionably essential to give back to the community in which you have thrived.
Numbers will always follow me. About two weeks later, I would be 2400. In the spring, a smattering of 5s would label me as well. But at the end of the day, the numbers and academics all fall away, and I am just me. The only number that remains is 1; there is only one me.
I am Whitney, and it is very nice to meet you.
REVIEW
This essay creates an image of a well-rounded girl; disciplined and dedicated, passionate about her extracurriculars, and academically excellent. She writes in smooth prose and demonstrates that she has put thought into who she is while drafting this personal statement.
But Whitney falls short in her attempt to escape anonymity and to stand out of the crowd of “faceless little numbers.” This personal statement reads like an enumeration of accomplishments with little or no analysis. Whitney writes that math and science are her obsession, but she does not sound truly passionate and academically motivated; she writes she is an accomplished pianist, but she does not explain how playing makes her so happy. While it is clear that the applicant has numerous talents, the superficiality with which these talents are treated makes this essay overall unimpressive.
Although she does not wish to be defined by numbers, Whitney hints at her perfect SAT and AP scores, which not only contradicts her stated purpose but is also inappropriate, as those numbers are already well in evidence in other parts of the college application. The one passage where simple listing turns into a more complex analysis of the applicant’s extracurricular involvement is the description of her service at the Junior Civitan club. Had the experience at the Christmas Angel Tree program taken an even more central stage, Whitney would have been more successful in leaving the sphere of anonymity. Similarly, a deeper analysis of the “self-discipline” and “perseverance” that ice-skating and music taught her would have given the reader a better insight into the applicant’s personality.
Whitney has put together all the pieces of a successful college application essay, but fell into a common trap—she tried to explain all the great things about herself, and while attempting to do that failed to stand out. If she focused on one of these many accomplishments, Whitney would have gone from a good and ultimately successful essay to a truly great one.
—Francesca Annicchiarico
Essay: WHITNEY GAO
Reviewed by Kavei
on
9:41 AM
Rating:
Reviewed by Kavei
on
9:41 AM
Rating:
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